So... I'm back at buffalo, and even though I've been here for only 72 hrs or so I already miss my friends sooooo much, and well, the fact that I have barely seen my boyfriend does not help much so I guess I'm a little depressed and bored as getting used to the slower pace that I experience here is a little hard at the begining. I suppose everything will get better as soon as classes get started and I'm trapped in the rush of the daily papers and tests.
I haven't been reading much lately. Well, I expected not to read at all as I planned to party to death while in Ecuador (which I did), but I managed to read -and almost be done with- "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. What can I say about this book? Uhm... besides being a wonderful work, very detailed and human, I enjoyed so much how the authors is able to make you identify so much with feelings of desperation, pride, depression, sadness and hope, it's just amazing. And of course, the fact that some months ago I was compared to Estella made me read about her with even more hunger and well... yeah, sometimes I do act like her, i.e. every now and then I do behave like a coldhearted bitch, but hey! what's a nice little girl to do about it? I enjoy the way I am, I guess.
Anyway, I just want to be done with this book so I can get started with another one by Antonio Sabato, you know, the guy who wrote "El tunel"?. Really good author, totally paranoic and dark, which are the reasons why I enjoy reading him so much.
Tonight we're going to the Niagara Falls for some shopping, blah blah, I wish I went to Toronto this weekend but the fact that I'm broke didn't help :(
I'll keep updating, meanwhile you keep reading, ok?
Friday, August 27, 2004
Friday, August 13, 2004
Home
Reading the usual blogs I go through almost daily, I met with Eric's blog, Not Eric, which I've come to enjoy pretty much lately. This time in particular Eric has mentioned something that has been on my mind very much lately (meaning with "lately" my last 10 years or so) that is when to define a place as "home".
I have been living in America for 4 years now, I'm going to school, have an apartment, a car, a boyfriend, but still I do not feel America as home. This is kind of upseting for me because I thought that with my "unusual" capacity to adapt to places and people I would be able to adjust to the American culture and feel like "a fish in the water" soon after my first arrival. But it simply is not the case. Four years later I'm still struggling with my loneliness, with the fact that I know people but I don't "know" people, I simply can't find that little something that makes two people click instantly and follow a conversation for hours, feel sort of identified with each other, and even understood by the other person.
For several months I thought that I had some sort of mental problem that did not allow me to connect to people the way I used to, and deep inside I used to find me telling to myself that hey! I am a cool person! I am nice to be with! I just don't find the way to express that to people, and eventually everything will be alright!, I'll have as many friends as in Ecuador, I'll feel in the right place in the right time, and blah blah blah, but not one of those things really happened. And then, in a nice summer night I arrived to Ecuador, and 24 hrs later I had already met several people, talked to many others, had phone calls and gone shopping with my girlfriends. It was amazing. Suddenly I felt this huge relieve because, as it seemed, the problem was not me, the problem was that I am not adapted to America yet, I am still a foreigner and will be a stranger for a long time.
Then again, America is not home. But Ecuador is not home either, as when I left this place I just disconnected from it (in order to make my leaving less painful) and now I do not feel that I belong here, and the single thought of coming back to live in Ecuador scares me to death. Thus, where the hell do I belong? Will this feeling be here for much longer? How do I get to belong to a place where everything, from the weather to how people talk, is totally different to what I grew up with? How do I get the feeling of belonging to a place like Ecuador, where I dislike so many many many things? ...
I have been living in America for 4 years now, I'm going to school, have an apartment, a car, a boyfriend, but still I do not feel America as home. This is kind of upseting for me because I thought that with my "unusual" capacity to adapt to places and people I would be able to adjust to the American culture and feel like "a fish in the water" soon after my first arrival. But it simply is not the case. Four years later I'm still struggling with my loneliness, with the fact that I know people but I don't "know" people, I simply can't find that little something that makes two people click instantly and follow a conversation for hours, feel sort of identified with each other, and even understood by the other person.
For several months I thought that I had some sort of mental problem that did not allow me to connect to people the way I used to, and deep inside I used to find me telling to myself that hey! I am a cool person! I am nice to be with! I just don't find the way to express that to people, and eventually everything will be alright!, I'll have as many friends as in Ecuador, I'll feel in the right place in the right time, and blah blah blah, but not one of those things really happened. And then, in a nice summer night I arrived to Ecuador, and 24 hrs later I had already met several people, talked to many others, had phone calls and gone shopping with my girlfriends. It was amazing. Suddenly I felt this huge relieve because, as it seemed, the problem was not me, the problem was that I am not adapted to America yet, I am still a foreigner and will be a stranger for a long time.
Then again, America is not home. But Ecuador is not home either, as when I left this place I just disconnected from it (in order to make my leaving less painful) and now I do not feel that I belong here, and the single thought of coming back to live in Ecuador scares me to death. Thus, where the hell do I belong? Will this feeling be here for much longer? How do I get to belong to a place where everything, from the weather to how people talk, is totally different to what I grew up with? How do I get the feeling of belonging to a place like Ecuador, where I dislike so many many many things? ...
Thursday, August 05, 2004
...
Mi novio es un hombre que paso de los 35 hace un par de anios. Yo soy una nena que aun no cumple los 23. Hoy dia mis amigos me preguntaron la edad de mi novio y yo respondi con dias y meses. Ellos se sorprendieron y consecutivamente empezaron con las tipicas "cuchilladas", es decir aquellas bromas pesadas que disfrutamos tanto hacer los unos con los otros sobre la "victima de momento. Nada injusto, nada ofensivo, pero super al huevo y en extremo gracioso. Todos hemos aprendido a sobrellevar estas bofetadas de risa y las disfrutamos en grande. Obviamente mencionaron cosas sobre la "segunda juventud" que mi novio esta viviendo al estar conmigo y similares. Que respondi? Pues solo la verdad. Ese hombre, de treinta y pico, ha sido el unico que conozco con una capacidad y experiencia que lleguen a mi nivel :). Se que suena en extremo aparentoso pero no lo digo en ese sentido. Tan solo es que me siento tan orgullosa de estar con el y como pareja superamos hace tanto tiempo eso de la diferencia de edades que la unica respuesta sincera que podria dar, es esa.
Despues, al escuchar todas sus historias, todos los lios de faldas en los que mis amigos siguen metidos y ver que yo ya pase de eso, si, me da algo de melancolia por todo lo que vivi con ellos y ya no volvere a vivir, pero tambien estoy tranquila, y con esa cierta paz que te da el saber que llegaste a lo que querias conseguir y que es fabuloso, que lo disfrutas y que es tan increible como alguna vez lo imaginaste.
Despues, al escuchar todas sus historias, todos los lios de faldas en los que mis amigos siguen metidos y ver que yo ya pase de eso, si, me da algo de melancolia por todo lo que vivi con ellos y ya no volvere a vivir, pero tambien estoy tranquila, y con esa cierta paz que te da el saber que llegaste a lo que querias conseguir y que es fabuloso, que lo disfrutas y que es tan increible como alguna vez lo imaginaste.
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