Friday, October 02, 2009

Strange

How it feels like I am so present in my present that I, for some reason, am not able to miss my past. So unusual in me.

What a strange feeling, this lack of melancholy. It's like an empty space, a space I know fills up often and for many people and places, and yet for some reason doesn't fill up for India. So I am waiting. Waiting for the stabbing pain that I get once I finally understand that a place, and a moment, are long gone.

When it comes to London, however, things are way different. I no longer mourn over the life I once had in London since now I have set firm in my mind that someday I will go back and establish a life there, yet again; and this thought is so vibrant that makes me believe the chances are more than a simple possibility, more like a certainty - except for those times when a flashing thought pierces through my mind like a blazing arrow and I for once consider that I might never, never live in London again and then I feel myself shiver and lose my breath because such a simple thought is simply too sad for me to manage.

6 comments:

U can call me: A friend! said...

I perceive a feeling of joy in a happy hollow emptiness.

Don't get me wrong but I think you hold on to few things that at the end of the day are "perishable".

Don't count on them in the long run.

You prefer to ignore certain things in order to avoid some potential pain. And yet, you don't realize that by avoiding them, your happiness and "peace" rest on thin air. To shallow to be truth. (Ignorance is bliss, I guess)

Efren (a.k.a. Ludovico) said...

Sabes lo que tienes querida? Saudade... alegría ausente... una mezcla de sentimientos de amor, de pérdida, de distancia, de soledad, de vacío y de necesidad

U can call me Al! (a friend) said...

Erratum: I meant too shallow to be truth instead of to shallow...

Beyond of what I said I have to admit that there's something about you that makes you inevitable adorable. Whoever owns your heart is a lucky guy!

Magusita said...

Al (A friend): Would you mind pointing out precisely what makes you say what you said? About the shallowness and all.

I do agree with you about me finding joy in perishable things - I do this on purpose since everything -everything- is perishable after all.

I find that for my life this works best, and after all isn't that the point at the end of the day, to do and act in ways that makes you, and only you happy, no matter how vain or hollow they may seem to others?

In regards to what you say about Ignorance is Bliss, I do not consider myself ignorant of the more profound aspects of my life, or the world for that matter; on the contrary, I am and I have been too aware of them, and now finally I find myself no longer hunted by a desperate search for answers; I am at peace, a peace I may have found in what some may think is hollowness but man I enjoy it oh so much.

Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it because I see it's well intentioned ... but it's also a bit misinformed simply because you're drawing conclusions out of what little you see of me through my blog - but that's just one of the downsides of this blog thing, right?


- as a side note, thank you for calling me adorable! it was very sweet and you made me blush :)

Magusita said...

Ludo: Saudade suena bastante correcto ;)

Anonymous said...

Interesting... I know you very VERY well and I know that you are not shallow or evasive and that you have not forgone the really important things in life.
However, I read this post, and I can fully understand the comments it generated.
I guess it's just simply a case where the writing did not convey the message correctly. Did I tell you that you are really cool?!